Laugh a Little

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How about a slogan

for your new business???

Local ad for a Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselor's office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what your looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window:
"Let me meat your needs."

On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome,

Dog food is expensive."

At a car Dealership :
"The best way to get back on

your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we

hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced

people."

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman

and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "

At the Electric Company:
"You will be de-lighted if you don't

pay your bill.

On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,

come on in and get fed up."

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YOU NEVER GET A SECOND CHANCE

TO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION

The following are responses to a survey given to top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations. They were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants...

Said he was so well-qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
Brought her large dog to the interview.
She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair, and left.
Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
A telephone call came in for the job applicant. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?"
I said, "l assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further."
He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more."
I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer and the call was from his wife. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
Asked who the "lovely babe" was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
She threw-up on my desk and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that If he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

~ Wall Street Journal, 1989

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A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 40

A computer was something on TV
From a Science Fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

Author unknown

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REALLY BAD PUNS

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of
two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat
it, too.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

We all know who Gandhi was, right? He was a spiritual man who fasted
regularly. Some may not realize that fasting, when practiced regularly and
for extended periods, leads not only to weight loss, but can also cause bad
breath. No matter, his interests were higher. This great leader hardly ever
wore shoes. One might say he was ... a super-calloused fragile mystic
plagued with halitosis.

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Witicisms

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

11. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

12. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

15. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. Every calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

18. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

25. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

29. Track runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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Thoughts to ponder...

Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

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